Dear Self, February 15, 2005





This is really hard for me to do. First, I know he will get mad at me for writing this story if he found out I did. Second, this happened a little less than six years to now. And I wanna be as accurate as I want to, but I might leave some important details behind. But then again, I am really depressed right now; even though I just let my smiles hide it. I just do not want to get that attention. You know... that pity and pointless concern from my girlfriends, guy friends, and family telling me all this bull shit how I should move on... blah blah blah... and how I should just forget about him and stuff. But hey, writing really makes me feel good. And I really have to do this, even though it hurts to go back and think about him and all the lies that were untold. This is for me, for my own peace, for my own closure. I figure this way I can come to some sort of a conclusion to as of what in the hell I was thinking, doing etc. And why it all fell apart. Also to try and figure out why I even stayed with someone who could through my heart around as if it was nothing. Maybe this will help me find myself again. Find who I am and who I want to become.



I met him in high school. I just moved back in with my mother, and started into a new school and not knowing what kind of people I would meet, my first day was nerve wrecking. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend at that time because I wanted to get through high school and move on to college and get that masters in Child Development and Business Management. I was also thinking along the lines of doesn't relationships equal drama anyway? Little did I know that it was the start of a living nightmare that never wanted to end. It felt like I was living and dying at the same damn time. Just a girl trying to figure lifes little secrets.



So yeah, back to my story... This guy was one of the few guys to be friendly. I didnt really notice him the first few weeks of school. Since I was the quiet one in class, we never got to talk until one day we were asked to work in a group together. Truth be told, it was the best day of my life, because that was when I finally had a decent conversation with him, aside from the jokes he would tell that I overheard. Thats how everything started. From then on, he asked me tirelessly to go have dinner with him; rejection always finds its way. Its maybe because I wasnt feeling his flow yet. He even thought I was just giving him some excuses because I wouldnt give him my number or even a chance. But Hey, come on now, he wasnt trying hard enough... really! LOL



He was so persistent, one of the things I liked about him. I finally set a date to go out; this was on May 8th 2000. But it wasnt a date date. Besides, we went to Gold Star and ate dinner with some of our friends, so it didnt really count as a date. Haha. Who can say no to that? So anyways, I got to know him a little bit better than the casual conversations we had inside the class. It was great hanging out with him outside school and away from the prying eyes in my class.



Weeks went by and I finally notice myself laughing a little bit louder to his jokes, felt a little bit awkward when he would talk to other girls, worried when hes tardy in the morning, and upset when hes absent in class. What was happening here? I was supposed to be the chick thats not looking for a relationship, right? I was supposed to ignore him and not care. This cant be. Did he finally really get me? I couldnt believe it, I finally gave in. I slowly ignored his imperfections. All I saw was this sweet and incredible guy who was never worried about himself but about others around him instead, whos also the class clown. Of course men do anything for all the attention surrounding them. Boys and there little ways.



I came over to see him almost everyday after school. We grew a little bit closer to each other, hugged a little bit tighter and even a peck on the cheek every now and then. Then came the day when hes officially my boyfriend. Dang, a lot of things happened already after the first time we went out. Remember the group dinner? Wow. But I couldnt complain, I was so happy, and I could tell, so was he. It felt great to have someone always wanting me around, longing to hear my voice. To have someone other then my family who thought that I was more then just some simple girl. Which everyone who knows me now knows I’m nothing close to simple.



His family loved me from day one. I could tell that his parents were kind of strange, but whose parents arent at some point in time. Well then one day he went by my sisters house and saw that we all were there. He stopped by to introduce himself to my mom and step dad. I was shocked because no other guy had taken the time to introduce themselves to my family without me asking or hinting around for it to happen. My mom was really nice and cool with it. My step dad wasnt having a really good day and he wasnt too nice to him from the start. This made me feel really embarrassed and uncomfortable. I apologized to him like a million times. I just didnt get it, but I told him that my dad was just having a really bad day, and at least he made some sort of an effort. And that it didnt really matter because he was going out with me and not them anyway.



Not that I didnt want my parents and him to get along or anything. Just felt that no one had to love him but melol.. I was going out with this wonderful guy who defended me when ever the need, this guy who stayed up at late at night talking to me on the phone. It felt so different going out with him. Although there was the constant annoyance from his stalkers I still was very supportive of him. To be honest, I loved it. I loved being needed, (hmm... and maybe also the attention) and besides thats what girlfriends do. Support and understand.



The school year was finally over, and school had officially ended. Thats when things started to change also. I didnt see it at first He and I would drive up to the farm of his and ride the four wheeler through the hills, feed the cattle, and Id watch the horses run and play. Oh I love horses there so free and wild. I envied them, because thats all I wanted was to be free and wild for once in my life. My boyfriend and I started seeing one another more and more. After time went by I was living with him and his family. I was so caught up in him that I didnt see how much my family was missing me. Yes, I missed them and I thought about them all the time. But a part of me felt that I needed to set myself free. Escape from my child hood and move into an adult life. And he was what I wanted in my life. When we were together it felt like I was free, alive, and loved. I had everything a girl could really want. I was happyand in love.



Summer had passed all in all life was flashing before my eyes. Summer ended and Christmas had started. Where did the time go? Strange how love makes your life go by faster. Well Christmas Eve he and I had gone out to dinner to be together for a while without any other family members around. After dinner he got a call from a friend of his. He and his girlfriend were out and about and wanted to know if we wanted to hang out for a while. We stopped by Larrys place and hung out for about an hour. Then we left and went home. Well no one was home and we were watching Green Mile, by Steven King. Hes one of my favorite authors.



After the movie I went and got a shower. My boyfriend had gone upstairs. When I got out of the shower and started up the stairs I heard the radio on. He was playing our song Seven Seas by Baby Face. As I was half way to our room I could smell a sweet sent lingering down the hall from our bedroom. I opened the door to our room and it was dark. The only light shinning was the light from the candles. My first thought was awww. How sweet can he be? Then it was why is he doing this, did he do something to make himself guilty. (A lesson from past relationships, when they've done something wrong they do sweet things to suck up) My boyfriend was standing by the dresser, holding a single red long stemmed rose.



As I asked him what the occasion was he slid his finger across my lips with a soft shhh... He bent down on one knee and took my hand. (My heart pounding at this point). Then he began to say Baby Girl, you came into my life and changed how I looked at it each and every day. You took me into your heart for who I am and not for what you think I should or could be. You love me for me. Each and every moment that I spend without you is like being in Hell. So with this ring (class ring) I was wondering if you would be my wife. I will love, honor, and cherish you until the day that god sets my soul free, shocked and amazed by the whole thing, tears falling down my cheeks, I hugged him so tight never wanting to let him go and said yes.



My boyfriend gently took my hand and lead me to the bed where I found that there were about a dozen or more red rose petals scattered all over our bed. This made me cry even more. It was so sweet and so romantic. It felt like a fairy tale story or something. It was nothing like I had ever imagined. A few months later on Valentines Day, I found out that that wonderful romantic night of happiness and pleasure ended up creating life. Yep, I was two months pregnant. I was so scared, so many things rushed into my mind. I couldnt separate all my emotions. It was like everything was happing all at once. And really it was. I was engaged to a wonderful man that I was hopelessly in love with and I got news that he and I were gone to be MOMMY and DADDY.



After leaving the doctors office, I stopped by his work to give him the news. We ate lunch together, and in conversation I spilled my guts to him about being two months along. His face went from a normal tan to a pale white ghostly look. I thought that I was gone to die. I was so waiting for him to go off or something. He went off all right. He started screaming IM GONNA BE A DAD! He was so happy, he cried. His boss over heard him screaming lol.. His boss came out and gave him and me a hug and congratulated us one our big news. And he also gave my boyfriend the rest of the day off to go tell family and friends.



My boyfriend and I went home and told his parents, then made dinner arrangements with my parents. Well I know that I didt mention too much of this, but my parents werent too happy about my boyfriend and I being together in the first place. So telling them that I was gone to have his baby was petrifying for me. I just knew that my mom wasnt gone to be happy about it and that she was gone to hate me even more then she already did. My step dad omg I just knew that he was gone to break my boyfriends legs. I mean come on; I was only 18 years old and so caught up into this relationship forgetting about all the other things in life and a lot of all who loved me.



Things with my family were never peachy king the whole time my boyfriend and I were together. For some reason I felt like they never wanted to see me happy. We would always fight about anything and everything. At the time I just felt like that. Never did I see the writing on the wall like they did. (They were only trying to prevent my hearts death).



Well when we got there things went okay. Um, we had my moms famous chicken and dump lens, yummy. After dinner was through my boyfriend and I told my parents our good news. They took it a hell of a lot better then what we had thought. My mom had pretty much come to conclusions of what was going on. So it wasnt really a huge shock to her. We all talked about it and everyone pretty much said what they felt. This wasnt that bad It was really nice to know that they didnt hate me and my boyfriend. Because it mint a lot to me to for them to try and give him a chance to be in there lives as well as mine. That is all that I ever wanted.



Well it wasnt too much longer that my whole world came crashing down. Feb 26th I found out that my boyfriend wasnt as faithful as I was. I was out to dinner with his sister Maria, after a long day of baby shopping was done when my cell phone rang. It was some chick telling me that my boyfriend and she were sleeping together and that as soon as I had this baby that he and she were gone to take it from me and raise it themselves. OH HELL NO over my dead body was some bitch gone to raise my child. I went off on this chick. I mean who in the right mind would sleep with someone who one had a girlfriend at home, let alone one whom is pregnant. What kind of women was this? What kind of man would be that cold to hurt someone that he says he loves and couldnt live without? In that moment I felt so confused, damaged, and so much anger flowed through my body.



Maria and I immediately left the diner that we were at and went back to the house to wait for his ass to get home. He was out with his best friend Jeff. I called my boyfriend and comely asked him when he planned on being home because I had something very important to talk to him about. He told me that he and Jeff were gone to be home by 11pm. It was around 10pm when I had called him. So I said okay, Ill see you then. He tells me I love you baby girl. I felt so sick; I didnt want to even say it back to him. I was so disgusted.



When he and Jeff got there I nicely asked Jeff to go home so that my boyfriend and I could have a private conversation. Well, Jeff left and I went upstairs. My boyfriend comes up and hands me a dozen red long stemmed roses. (They were so beautiful) And he began to tell me that he was the luckiest man alive to have such a loving and amazing women in his life.

But I had to find out if what this chick was telling me was the truth. So I smelled the roses and laid them on the bed. Then took a seat. I looked up at him as he was putting his wallet on the dresser and getting his flannel pants that he sleeps in out. And I asked him. Honey, who is Shawnia? He looked at me and said she is a friend why? Then I asked him how close of a friend and he had the damn nerve to lie to my face and tell me that he barley knew her that hes only meat her once or twice. I looked at him and said oh really. So you have only meat this chick once or twice and youre fucking her? He couldnt talk; he knew that he was busted red handed.



My boyfriend tried to say that it mint nothing to him and that he was so sorry and that it would never happen again. He kept on telling me how much he loved me and our baby and didnt want me to leave him. I was in tears. I looked at him and I told him that he must be glade it meant nothing. That his nothing of a fuck with this girl just cast him his women and his child. He cried and cried. Begged me not to leave him. I cried even more. I told him that I couldnt be with someone who thinks he can have his cake and his ice cream. That it was one or the other not both. He told me that he wanted me and the baby and not that Shawnia girl. But I didnt care; I wanted nothing to do with him. I called my parents and asked my mom to come get me. She said that she would and that she was on her way over. My boyfriend grabbed my hand and pulled me back into our bed room and tried to hug me. I shoved him away, and then punched him in his chest. It had to of hurt because I had my rings on. Looked back at him as I was walking out the bedroom door and said I hope that youre happy you just lost the two most important people in your life.



That night and many more after that I cried my eyes out to my mom, sister, and to my best friends. Ones who all had told me that something like this was gone to happen to me in the first place. But stubborn I didnt want to hear it. I thought no my man's good to me hed never do something like that to hurt me just because he could. Oh how I was so wrong on that one. This relationship ended up being hell on wheels. But I loved him and he was the father of my unborn child. So I thought and thought about it more and more everyday. How was I gone to raise a child on my own? I have seen my sister do it for years and I know how hard it is. But will I be able to do it and be a good mom?



I called him up a few weeks later. I broke another rule of the game. I couldnt stand it and I was going crazy. I missed him so much that other people started to look like him. I was constantly hoping I would see his car, or bump in to him in stores, on the streets or somewhere. I convinced myself that I just had to hear his voice, even if it means doing it for the last time. Our conversation on the phone was horrible. Before hanging up, I told him I miss him, and he said he misses me too. In the end I was glad I made that call, it somehow made me happy, temporarily.



I stopped listening to all of our songs or anything slow and sad. I just had to stay away from everything. I wasnt interested in too much.. I ended up writing a lot more poetry then I normally did. I decided all I needed is time to heal. Being too depressed, on some days I decided to stay in bed and found myself crying the rest of the day. I was so mad at myself for acting this way, for letting him get to me like that. Im smart, smart enough not to let a silly little breakup break me down. But it wasnt silly. I have to admit, this breakup took the most out of me. I just lost the guy that I fell in love with and the father of my unborn child to some chick who thinks shes gods gift to men. At this point in time all I wanted to do was die. I felt like I was already dead. I even pondered the thought of taking my own life. My main reason for not going through with it was the little life growing inside me.



I tried calling him again and got his voice mail. A few hours later he calls me and asked me if he and I could talk face to face. So I agreed knowing where it would lead me. Back into his arms. In the end I think now that that is what I wanted to happen. To be with him not just because I loved him but because we were gone to have a child together. I didnt want to bring my child up in this crazy world without both parents in its life. I just felt that it would not be right. It wasnt the babys fault that my boyfriend didnt know how to keep his dick in his pants. But we talked face to face, and we yelled, screamed, hit, and cried. Truthfully I felt a lot better after that.I was doing the most of the yelling, screaming, and the hitting and crying. But it felt great.



My boyfriend and I ended up getting back together again. It felt wonderful to be there again. Just hated the lingering thoughts inside my head. Wondering where he is, if that is really where he says he is. I started getting noisy into his calls on his cell phone. I never would answer his phone unless he said too. But I started doing it after the Shawnia situation. I just felt that I couldnt trust him anymore. Well, in March I ended up losing the baby. I was three months along. I became so depressed, I couldnt eat or sleep. I laid in bed and cried day in and day out. I felt like I just lost my heart and soul.



It felt worse then him and me breaking up. I didnt know what to do anymore. My life was so messed up. Now is when I really really thought about killing myself. I would sit in the bath tub or the shower with a wrazier pondering the thought. Wondering if I could make it quick and simple. Not feeling like I had a reason to go on with my life. I even thought about over dowsing. Just anything to take the pain away.



Losing our child was the worst day of my life. My boyfriend and I had everything planned out for the baby. We had names picked out. If it was a boy it would have been Billy Joesph, after his grandfather who is no longer with us. And then for a little girl it was gone to be Jasmine Louise. I just liked the name Jasmines, but Louise is my family name. It’s gone through so many generations. My boyfriend and I had so much stuff for the baby already. After losing our child looking at all the baby things laying around in our room and the crib in the babys room with all the little outfits and sock. I couldnt handle it anymore. I was literally dying inside and out. To me it seemed as if everyone around me was some what relieved that I had lost our child. That made me worse. The fact that Ilost our child. It was not like I lost him/her in a grocery store or a shopping mall. God took him/her away from me. I felt like I was being punished for something that I did wrong. After my DNC I had to go to the doctors for a follow up, and then and there I was told that I may never be able to carry a child full term. I felt like god was trying to destroy me some way. Not being able to have a child. What kind of shit was that? How could a healthy woman not be able to have a child? I didnt understand why this was happening to me. Why was he trying to punish me in each and every heart wrenching way that he could ever possibly hurt a woman?



After all that going on, I start working again and trying to get my life on a good road. Getting the wedding planned. Paying for everything for our special day. The day that this girl would become Mr. and Mrs. Things were going really good. To my knowledge that is. But apparently they werent going all that well because at the end of April my boyfriend gets a call at work from my mom saying that there is a family emergency and that I need to call her ASAP. So my boyfriend rushes home, to let me know that I needed to call mom and see what was going on. I called her back to find out that Ol Grandma was in the hospital dying. I fell to the ground. My boyfriend sat on the floor holding me in his arms as I screamed and cried. Not knowing really what was going on. All he knew was something was really wrong for me to be in that kind of shape. He tries to calm me down so that I could tell him what was going on. I could only get out Ol Grandma is I couldnt Finnish the sentence. He thought she was deceased. I corrected him, and told him all that my mother had told me. In that moment he held me even tighter and asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital and see her just incase something was to happen and I couldnt get there etc. So he and I went to St. Luke Hospital. Not too sure what all I was about to see, I was scared. I loved my grandma and I didnt want her to leave me. I know that it sounds selfish but shes Ol Grandma. Everyone loved her. She was the kind of person who would tell you how it was. But yet she was so warm inside. She was such a wonderful women. And Im so very grateful to of had her in my life for so many years. And forever in my heart and my thoughts.



Then the day came, the day that we had to put Ol Grandma in the ground. I couldnt believe it. It was a day from hell. I began the day putting Grandma to rest, and I ended the day with my man telling me that he didnt think that we should get married. What a wonderful day. May 2nd, the day that I should of learned my lesson. My boyfriend left me. He said that he wasnt ready to get married. That he had cold feet. Which at fist I took it as Im scared and I dont know what to do. Later on I found out that it was him Mother who put it all in his head. She gave him a choice to choose his family or me and my fucked up family as she called it. When I found this out I chose for him. I packed my things and moved ten hours away to Manassas Virginia.



There I had my father, my old friends from middle school, and oddly enough new adventures to be taken. In which they were. It was July 4th 2003 that I moved to Virginia. On July 30th I meat this guy Dallas. Hes in the military, hes was 23 when we first meat. It was strange how we got together. See my older brother Sean always hung out at Burger King. And I went with him to get out of the house and to try and meat new people, well to have fun and live a little.



The day that my adventure began was on July 30th in meeting Dallas. Dallas and I clicked from the start. At the time I wasnt sure of what it was that drawled me to him. But now I am well aware of what it was. My brother, Michelle, and I invited Dallas to go with us to see Freddy VS. Jason. Thank god he went because I wasnt really up to being the third wheel if you know what I mean. We all just went as friends nothing more nothing less. My brother and Michelle ended up hooking up that night. Dallas and I started what I like to think of is a magical friendship.



Keep in mind I wasnt looking for anything at all. Not even a friendship. Just out to have a good night with my brother and his girlfriend. Well, the next weekend Dallas was up at BK and noticed that I wasnt there with my brother. So my brother gave Dallas my cell phone number and he called me. Needless to say, we all started hanging out and talking a lot. He and I would sit for hours and do nothing but talk. We would get so carried away with conversation that time just flew by us. From the start we would flirt with one another. LOL I started it... I rubbed my leg against his at the movies that first night. Only did it to see if I would get a response. It was kind of a little test for me. Not really thinking that a little rub would lead to what was ahead.



I would find myself locked in pleasurable kisses with him. He would hold me so close and so tight that I felt like there was nothing in this world that could hurt me again. I would get so restless, when I could not see him. I would find myself wanting him more each and every time he was around. At the time I didnt see what was really happening to me. But as I think about it if I had sorted it out would I of really understood what was really going on? Probably not.lol when I was with him it felt like my life was starting to make since. It was as if Dallas was an Angel sent from above to guide and keep me safe. I was falling and falling so fast. Dallas was so honest and open from the start. There was nothing that he didnt tell me. Its as if he knew just how cruel my boyfriend was to me. And its like he could relate to me. I know it sounds kind of corny. But really I felt like there wasnt anything that I could not do when I was with Dallas.



Then there was the night that I said those three words. Yeah thats right the I LOVE YOU. Omg it came out of no where. We were in his room on the base with Sean and Michelle playing our game SPADES. Dallas made it where we busted there nil or something and I just flat out said it. And I wasnt sure if he had heard me. I didnt really know that I said it until it was already out. I couldnt believe it. I allowed myself to fall in love again. Every since that night, oh by the way was a wonderful night. If you get what I am saying lol, I have known that Dallas is the kind of guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Hes everything that you could ever dream of. Hes my Angel and always will be no matter what.



Anyways, to make a long story shorter. Im now living in Erlanger Kentucky, the state that my boyfriend is living in as well. Oh wait I should rephrase that one. Im living in the same state as the DEVIL. I call him the devil because once again I feel for him lies, and unlivable torture. Yep I went back to him and wasted some more of my life with a two timing loser. He ended up getting a friend of ours pregnant while I was living in Virginia. Now hes taken the little girl Linda from her mother and raising her on his own. It kills me to this day because the main reason he left me this time, knew the fact that that girl gave him what I could not. This is a child. When I had lost our baby I was told I would more then likely never be able to carry full term. So I hope that he knows how lucky he is to even have a child in his life. Because I may never get the chance.



Dallas my loving Angel, hes still in Virginia. Uniformity for me hes living with his girlfriend at the moment. He seems really happy and I wish him all the best of luck. But a part of me wishes and wants to be with him. Its hard to say what it is that I love about this guy. I cant narrow it down to one or two things because I fell in love with everything about him. So this is to you Angel of mine. I love you so much and I know that you know that much. But I want you to know that Im doing well these days. And its because of you that I am. If it wasnt for you I dont know where I would be today.



So now I have come to this conclusion, if we really love someone, we should learn how to sacrifice and let them go. Thats what its all about, even if it doesnt mean getting what we want. As you see, I never asked for anything like this to happen. I never asked to fall in love and I definitely didn't ask to get hurt. But things happen for a reason, and some things are better left alone the way they are. Like they say,A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix It. ... hmmm... I guess. And like I said in the beginning, love is an adventure. Oh and Ive taken one of the worst adventures with the devil, but I have also taken one of the most incredible ones with an Angel. Where life takes me now Im not sure of. No one really knows what lies ahead. But I hope that mine is filled with lots of happy adventures. I dont think that I could take another adventure with a devil. It would be the end of me.



Sincerely,



Shannon


P.S.

Just a little reminder of what I should and should except in my life with men.



Every heart break leads to new adventures, and sometimes those adventures leads to finding your soul mate.